Recently, I had a falling out with a friend because she overreacted to a quote I posted from my upcoming book, Sapphire’s Flight. She thought that a quote uttered by one of the main characters was actually in response to her situation. (I won’t go into detail because SPOILER ALERT, but it is beyond ridiculous).
This blindsided me, because I’ve been friends with this person for a decade, have done nothing out of the ordinary (I post quotes from my books all the time), and it just became suddenly clear that she was in an unhealthy state of mind and chose to lash out at the first perceived slight. But it hurt that she didn’t even stop to ask; it hurt even more when, while I was attempting to explain, she chose to insult and tell me to “Shut up!” instead, reasoning that she’s an emotional person so somehow this makes it okay. It still hurts that even though she was the one who overreacted, she failed to reach out to me or apologize.
For my own sanity, I had to step back and analyze that friendship.
I like quality in all my relationships. I am not the sort of person who makes friends indiscriminately. True, I’m very friendly and I give everyone a chance, but it takes a while to get into my inner circle because when you’re there, I’m your friend for life. I’ll listen to all your problems and offer solutions and run with you to the hospital in the middle of the night even if I’m heavily pregnant and dragging my 3-year-old kid with me. With one little side warning: the relationship has to be healthy, full of mutual respect and large doses of benefits-of-the-doubt. Otherwise, I’m out.
I don’t think this is asking for too much. I’m friends with plenty of people with whom I can have healthy discussions, even arguments or debates, with. With these friends, there is a constant give and take scenario going on. The friendships I particularly treasure are the ones where we can talk about problems and find solutions and then implement them. We sift through ideas, discussing the things that have worked for us and trying out new things that the other friend suggested. Under stress, we voice out our opinions without outright insulting the person: “I think what you’re doing is unhealthy, and I realize why you’re doing it, but it has to stop now.”
The friendship survives. And both parties feel heard and personal growth happens. It’s how I’ve been able to maintain a wonderful relationship with the same person for 15 years, really, and why the vast majority of my friends have also gone on for as long. I have friends I’ve known for 18 years, even online friends I’ve shared 11 or 17 years with.
There just comes a point in time when you’ve taken all you can from an unhealthy relationship and you realize that it’s going nowhere. It’s what I started to realize with this friend. If–despite after over 10 years of patiently listening to her problems and trying to find solutions with her–she has sunk into such an unhealthy state of mind that she is lashing out at little things, then there’s nothing I can do.
I’ll sink into the mire with you if you’d let me, but attack me for being me, and I’m slamming the door shut. It’s a defense mechanism.
The world can be crazy enough as it is. The last thing you want is to have to be guarded around your loved ones, too. I mean, I don’t mean that they should tolerate you for being an asshole…nobody wins if you’re an asshole…but if you’re already doing the best you can, giving as much compassion as you can, and it’s still not enough, and you get the feeling the person is too self-absorbed to occasionally acknowledge your existence, then maybe it’s best to move on.
It’s got nothing to do with being selfish and only wanting attention for myself. Far, far, far from it. As far as I’m concerned, I still care about this person and will probably keep an eye out for her if I’m in a situation where I can still help her out. But I just can’t let this get to me. With writers already teetering on the edge of depression as it is, my mental well-being–which I’ve taken the time to build up to where I am now, that what she did didn’t throw me into a depressive loop yet again–is extremely important. There’s only so much toxicity one can afford.
Bla bla bla The Agartes Epilogues bla bla…
